Every December, stressed-out parents joke about it. A defiant toddler scribbles on the wall and suddenly someone mutters, “Santa’s bringing you coal this year.” For generations, the threat has been part of American holiday folklore, a little fear-based nudge toward good behavior.
But for modern parents drowning in holiday pressure and end-of-year burnout, is giving coal actually harmless discipline, or something that could cause lasting emotional harm?
According to parenting coach and child psychologist Mariana Pérez Borrero, the tradition is far from harmless. “In my experience as a child psychologist, it’s outdated,” she said. “It’s based on fear. It’s based on fear-based control. It’s based on threats, usually on empty threats. And it’s based on emotional manipulation.”
What kids internalize when they get coal
Parents may see coal as a consequence, but Pérez said children rarely walk away learning accountability. Instead, they walk away feeling shame.
“They internalize shame and not responsibility,” she said. “We teach them that they have to feel bad about themselves and shame because of what they did and that the adult approval is conditional.”
She said that message becomes: “We love if you are perfect. We gift if you’re good. We give if you behave.”
Holiday punishment sends mixed messages
The holidays are meant to be joyful, yet punishment tied to Santa causes emotional whiplash.
“Holidays should be about connection, generosity, magic, family,” Pérez said. “And then we say things like, Santa won’t come if you don’t behave or he’s bringing you coal. So that contradiction creates anxiety.”
Kids begin to worry whether they are good or bad, and whether they will be “loved or remembered or validated.”
And yes, the threat may stop the behavior in the moment. “It might help in the short term … because it’s fear-based,” she said. But, she added, “It teaches that behavior only matters because of external consequences.”
So what should parents do instead?
The holidays can be overstimulating for kids, too. Pérez recommends using the season to connect, not threaten.
She suggests validating emotions, guiding regulation and helping kids understand why they are overwhelmed.
“The best way to connect during the holidays is by validating your child’s behavior, by being there next to your child,” she said.
Gifts should stay magical — discipline should stay separate
A familiar question comes up every December: If behavior has been terrible, shouldn’t Santa skip the presents?
Pérez says no.
“Christmas and presents have nothing to do with behavior,” she said. “Let Santa stay magical and let parents stay connected.”
And if you’re tempted to treat gifts as punishment, she said it sends the message that misbehavior makes a child unworthy of love. “It’s not fair and not recommended just to say because you made mistakes … then you are going to be punished because of that, because of being a child, basically,” she said.
If you’re still considering coal, ask yourself this
When parents feel desperate, Pérez suggests one question: “What is the skill that my child is lacking and that I should be teaching?”
Yes, coal can have lasting emotional consequences
Plenty of adults today joke about getting coal, but not every child grows up unscathed.
“I’ve heard stories about grown adults that are really impacted by when they were children and they received coal,” Pérez said.
She recalled one child who opened a beautifully wrapped gift only to find coal inside. “It’s super misleading,” she said, “teaching them that they are not worthy and that they have to behave one way to get what they want.”
“I highly recommend you not gift coal to your children this Christmas,” she added.
“Don’t weaponize Santa.”
If there is one takeaway, Pérez hopes it’s this: “Don’t weaponize Santa.”
“Let Santa be magical. Let Santa bring magic and presents and not coal,” she said. “And let discipline again be rooted in respect … not based in fear.”
Because, she added, “Kids are not misbehaving. Kids are having age-appropriate responses to what they are going through.”
And every difficult moment? Pérez said it can be “a chance to connect, to teach, to build connection during the holidays and beyond the holidays.”
from NBC Chicago https://ift.tt/zeuTHkJ
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